Wall-Talking Technique

The following is a secret technique I have mastered and kept it to myself for many years. I finally decided to disclose it after seeing our suicide rate and mortality rate shooting up. This effective method I learnt from a China Shaolin monk had saved my life many times in the past. If you do not want to die of anxiety, boredness, stroke, alzheimer's disease, kidney failure, paralysis, blindness, deafness etc then you must read on. The following instructions must be executed in the exact order presented, from top to bottom. You will not see results if you mess up the order. Worse, you have yourself to blame if you find your head hitting the wall instead. You have been warned, so let's start.

First, choose a wall (the reason is obvious). Four walls will not make it better but then it's not easy to find A wall either. Anyway, whatever, make sure the wall is standing upright. You don't sleep with the wall but you want to talk to the wall, remember? Do not choose a red wall although red colour is considered auspicious. Instead choose a blue wall. It has the soothing effect and will calm your mind (ever wonder why blue colour is commonly used in public toilets?)

Then you strip yourself completely, I mean, empty your mind, clear any fears, anxieties and irrational thoughts you have. Don't think of your girlfriend or boyfriend at this moment, specifically don't think of sex! (not that sex is dirty but we have an important task on hand!) Your focus has to be on the breath as there is a direct correlation between one's breath and one's state of the mind. When your mind is calm, focused, and composed, the breath should be slow, deep, and regular. Now your mind should become absorbed in the rhythm of inhalation and exhalation. Btw, I like to adopt a sitting position while doing this but if you prefer standing style or doggie style it's up to you as long as it works for you.

Finally, you can start talking to the wall now. But wait a minute, when I say "talking" it doesn't mean you open your mouth and start uttering useless nonsense like a fool. You will do it in style, here is the opening "talk" you must adhere to:

"Dear Wall, I thank you for your time standing infront of me and listening to me right now. I thank you for bestowing upon me all power and authority over evil. In the name of Wall, I speak to any evil spirits, especially spirits of lust and homosexuality, I stop you from attacking me now and throughout this day. Leave me now and go straight to Wall who will deal with you. I am covered and protected by the paint of Wall. (Starting from here, you may say what you want. Please remember to pause and give the Wall a chance to talk back, good conversation got to be two-way you know) ....OhMeToYou"

Please feel free to comment. Whether you are a beginner in wall-talking or an expert in wall-talking, you are all welcome to share. May the WALL bless you richly.